Nothing but Confused!

I´ve always been a confused person so far.. Never took a decision too serious to be sure of.. Handled situations as they come and faced the consequences whether good or bad(mostly bad, but no complaints. thats something that i think bout and laugh at)I guess, luck has been predominantly the greatest positive factor in my life.. Never ditched me in the most difficult of all situations and always provided a solution to the toughest of problems. Hmm.. that surely makes me believe in destiny.
But right now, thats not on my mind.. I´m confused about my present and future.. I have no idea what I am going to do for a living and I don't know whether I know what it is that I want to do after my graduation.

I know that most people have experienced this phase. Some have come out on top of the uncertainty, some have lagged behind. Some are doing what they have always dreamed of doing and some are still chasing their dreams. Only time will tell where I'll land up.I wish I could believe that a significant part of my future did not hinge on the decision I have to make right now. I wish that I could know, like some people, instinctively what I'm good at. For eg, if i would have been good at drawing, i would have been a painter; or good at singing then i would have been a singer... But i´m good at none of these.. and i guess, thats one of the reason i landed up doing what i´m presently doing. I have this absurd feeling that I might be better at one thing. Good enough to make a living out of it. Step up, go out, beat the competition. That being said, I wouldn't trade the ability to do either. But sometimes I think that the 'Jack of all trades...' adage epitomises the situation brilliantly.

Some days I want to leave for a new world. Study in a place where I have to learn a completely new way of life. Discover a new routine. New people. Then some days I wonder how I would cope. How I would deal with New and Sudden as opposed to Old and Routine.Though i wouldnt wanna compromise my sleep for it! hehehe! and yep that reminds me about the dreams that i always get! wierd really wierd! I´m running through a forest.. lots of trees around.. crushing the dried leaves beneath my feet.. yeah i saw my feet.. hmmm.. so i´m running without sandals huh.. and it just goes on and on, never ending.. Sometimes, i dream of climbing stairs..one-two-three.. and then when i reach the terrace, i jump.. falling from a height.. but i dont happen to reach the ground.. why, these incomplete dreams?? and why do the same episodes keep running through my mind?? what does it all mean?? yieeeeekss, they just add to the confusion! yeah, i know i´ve diverted from the topic.. so where was i?

Yup, when I look back at my decisions so far, I look back without regret. I have absolutely no complaints as far as my past is concerned. But I sometimes wonder, what if....what if I had not left engineering and slogged through it all and finished? I would have nowhere else to look and I would get a job. Some job. Atleast through influence ;-) Any job. Here, I have no idea, not an inkling. And on some days, the really bad ones, I wonder about this decision to go off the beaten path. On days like that it seems like a plunge into the ocean. The deepest bit. And I really don't know how to swim anyway. Really!

Then I wake up from wondering what life on the other side is like and I just know what the true meaning of life is. I wouldn't be happy doing a course just to get the job. I would never be happy doing a 9 to 5 job. Or maybe working under a boss.. Here in this profession, you are your own boss. The decision taken is no one else´s but yours alone.. Thats one aspect about my profession which makes me happy. Even if I don't know where I'll land up. Brave or idiotic...I'll know in a bit.

Today, just for now, I wish I had all the right answers. I wish I could see into myself and find one. And I wish, above everything else, that I had some more faith. In the powers that be, in the surprise packages life throws at you around the bend, and most of all, I wish I had some more faith in myself. In my decisions. In my dreams for the tomorrow I cannot yet see. Till then, its confusion more n more..